February and what the body needs from connection.

The human attachment system — the neurological and hormonal mechanism by which we regulate our internal state through proximity to trusted others — doesn't have an age limit. It was developed in infancy because infancy is when the physical proximity to a caregiver is the difference between survival and death. But the system doesn't turn off at seven, or eleven, or forty-two.

My eleven-year-old coming into my bed at 3am in February is not worrying. February is the month with least daylight, lowest temperature, and highest rates of reported low mood across all demographics. The attachment system responds to threat and difficulty by generating a pull toward the proximity of trusted others. February generates more of this pull than most months.

The correct response to the pull is not to redirect it toward independence. It is to be available. Being available at 3am is not the same as being available all the time. My daughter is, during the day, extremely independent, frequently irritating, and in no way appears to need me in any particular way. At 3am in February, she needed to be near someone. I moved over. That's the whole story. Being available at 3am is not the same as being available all the time. The proximity is the point. The reason can come later, or not at all.