What children learn when parents admit they were wrong.
The harder honesty and why it's worth it
I lost my temper with my daughter last Tuesday in a way that was out of proportion to what she'd done. She had left her shoes in the middle of the hallway for the third time. That was the trigger. What was actually happening was that I'd had a difficult day at work and was carrying it home. I went too far. She went quiet in a specific way that told me she knew something was wrong.
The specific way a child goes quiet when a parent has gone too far is something every parent recognises and most are uncomfortable describing. It is not the quiet of being told to do something they don't want to do. It is the quiet of being unexpectedly hit by something larger than the situation required, and not yet knowing what to do with it.
I went upstairs half an hour later. I knocked on her door. I said: I lost my temper in a way that wasn't about the shoes. It was about my day, and I took it out on you, and I'm sorry.
She looked at me for a moment. Then she said: okay.
I said: okay meaning you understand, or okay meaning you accept the apology?
She said: both, I think.
The conversation was over in ninety seconds. I had named what happened accurately: not 'I'm sorry I got a bit upset' β I'm sorry I did something that wasn't about you, and I told you that. That is a different apology from the one that implies the child was partly responsible for the adult's reaction. The conversation was over in ninety seconds. I had named what happened accurately. That is a different apology from the one that implies the child was partly responsible for the adult's reaction.
Materials, steps, what to notice β the hands-on part that makes the edition usable at home with your children this week.
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